Sofa King Awesome

You know, it's not that I've been lazy and not felt like posting, au contraire, I really did try. I went to the well time after time and always came back dry. I've written 3 or 4 entries, a few paragraphs each, saved them as drafts and never got back to them. Well after going back and reading them again, I figured I might as well share them with you just to get you off my ass until I get my groove back.

This is the first rejected draft I wrote. It's from 7/14/05 and it's titled:

WATER COUNTRY USA

We have been the proud owners of a WyteTrashCo (TM) above-ground pool attached to a SlyBilt (TM) pressure treated deck for twenty years now. It provides us with nearly hours worth of family fun each summer. It's held up pretty well but, over the years I've had to make a few repairs and improvements. The stairs have been recently overhauled allowing access without the aid of the rope and the deck has 25% fewer splinters now that the back few planks fell off.
We've only had to change the liner in the pool once and that really wasn't very hard. Except. Did you know that a pool liner has a different texture on each side? No? Same here! Who knew that the shiny, very slippery side was not the side you walked on? Who would have thought it was the rough and very much not slippery side? Well, next time we'll know, eh?
Anyway, it really is nice to have as a relief from the heat seeing as our house is not air conditioned or apparently, insulated in any way. The problem I have with it is our summer here, as you well know, is eight weeks long at best. The photos are what the pool looks like the other 44 weeks. OK, I'm not really sure where I was going with this. Wait, lemme read it from the start again.
Alright, I think I remember. I was going to go on and on about how nice it was to blog from the pool but on the way to the pool, I was swarmed within seconds by mosquito's. I know, I could have doused myself with fuckin OFF but I prefer not to use it unless I can shower afterwards and I can't (or more correctly, won't).
So, I guess

See what I mean? Where the hell am I going with this? What's my fucking point? I don't know and I freakin' wrote it. Why did I use pictures from the winter? I mean I have lots of summer pix. Sometimes I just don't understand me.

NEXT, I penned the following entry on July 17th and called it:

BREW BLOGGING SUNDAY

Well, today looks like a good day to brew blog. I absolutely have to brew today and because I am behind with my blogging I will combine the two. Let's start the chronology now:10:05 Began brewing process.The weather is 80f and very humid (90%)The first step is to heat the mash water (about 7-8gal) to 170f. This takes about 15 minutes. Once it reaches temp, I mix it in a modified picnic cooler with 25lbs or so crushed grain to create the mash. The mash resembles oatmeal or porridge whatever that is. Mixing the room temperature grain with the 170f water gets me at my strike temp of about 154f. I will let the mash rest for an hour and a half in the insulated "mash tun" until the starches in the mash have been converted to sugars.
10:35 Next, heat the sparge water. Twelve gallons heated to 180f and transferred to another modified picnic cooler called the hot liquor tank. This one has to sit higher than the mash tun to allow the sparge water to flow into it. This means I have to move 12 gallons of scalding hot water from the brew pot



YAAAAAWWWWWNNNN!
Who fuckin' cares?
Christ, it bored the shit out of me and I actually do fuckin' care.

Last but not least, well actually it is the least.
It's from 7/18 and it was tentatively titled:

I've Been Busy, No Really, I Mean for Me.

Saturday, I had to do some brewing stuff and then go and pick up the Gravely parts. "What Gravely parts?" you are asking. Oh, yeah, I won a bid on eBay to buy replacement parts. The replacement part in this case was the entire mower deck. I only needed the vertical drive shaft but it was cheaper to just buy a whole used deck. They guy lived about 45 miles away on a farm so the Lovely Janis and I took a ride to pick them up. They are waaaaay to heavy to ship so when buying most Gravely repair parts, you have to find someone local.

I had planned to update the original Gravely piece with this but I couldn't find a way to make the point in three of four paragraphs. Any longer than that and my Gerbil like attention span finds other bright shiny things to chase.


Just call me PinHead.

YO...... PINHEAD!!!

Saturday July 16th. Drove 45miles to a small town southwest of Wellsley. Seems I won an Ebay bid for a 30" mower deck and a rotary plow for my Gravely. Whooooo Hoooo $144 for both. Not a bad deal.

Sunday July 17th. Brewed an IPA. Everything went well except for the ss scrubby I used to filter the hops from the brewpot to the fermenters. Seems it filtered 99 % of everything. Had to finally reach in with my arm,after I scrubbed it in an iodophore solution, and dislodge the scrubby filter from beneath the spigot. God knows what that is going to do to my ale.

Monday July 18th. Called the doctors office after getting a post card in the mail a few days after my blood test. There was a standard phrase "Your blood test was fine. " Bla Bla Bla..... This was scratched out with a pen and a note in marker "Please Call US ASAP ABOUT YOUR BLOOD TEST!"
Um, gee thanks... I got the card on Friday and couldn't call till Monday. Way to fuck up my weekend Doc! When I called them back on Monday the nurse told me I had Lime, as in Lyme disease. AGAIN!

Tuesday July 19th. I tried very hard to write an entry. I have three attempts saved
They all suck. I post something lame.

Wednesday July 20th. Wow, what a fucking awesome summer. It has been hot as hell more than not. I love it! I'll post more soon.

Thursday July 21st. Finalized the 2nd Mortgage and had a Poker game. Nice.. I came out a bit ahead.

I'll post some real stuff soon. Please stand by.

OK at ease. When I get around to it! Jeeze...

I'm told there is a truck hidden somewhere in this photo.

Well, it was bound to happen. Our one and only bathroom had slowly deteriorated to a point where , according to the Lovely Janis, we can no longer let it slide any longer. What's the big deal? Was it the fact that the sink has not drained at all for years now? Or was it the vice-grip hot water faucet handle in the shower?


No, it was the soap dish over the sink. It was a bit loose for a while but finally it fell out completely. This was not one of the cheapo screw on soap dishes, this was a ceramic one, built into the wallboard, type of soap dish. When it fell out, it left a rather large "kinda" noticeable hole in the wall over the sink.

The Lovely Janis freaked and insisted that something had to be done soon. At first I was stumped. There did not seem to be a quick and easy "Duct Tape, Vice Grip or WD40" fix or as I call them, "The Holy Trinity".
But after a day or two, I came up with the most perfect solution. I printed up a clever sign on the printer and covered up the hole with it (using Duct Tape so it was OK)



SEE? It's PERFECT Right? It's funny, cheap, quick and it does the trick! And you know what? The phrase is mine, I made it up. No really... It just came to me. So it's like WOW!
Yeah well the lovely janis (notice subtle disdain by not using caps) did not "get it" at all. She is insisting we get the bathroom redone along with a long list of silly ass picky stuff (leaking livingroom ceiling, garage doors inoperable, badger nest in basement, world hunger still a problem). Sigh

So there we are, I have to take out a second mortgage for $45K cause the gosh darn* soap dish fell out.
Well it's mostly that. There are other things. I guess. I'll keep you posted.

* from now on just mentally substitute the words "gosh darn" with fucking, friggin, frikkin, or God damn. Your call.

Below are photos of Julie and her dog, Butchie, in random order. Can you tell which one is Julie?



Hint, Julie is the bitch.

OK, seeing as Julie is my boss, I'm either truly grateful for her wonderful sense of humor or I'm soon to be freshly unemployed. I'll keep you posted.

Normally I brew a new batch of beer every Sunday but, because the Weather Man said it was going to be sticky today, I decided not to. It's not a big deal. I have seventy gallons in reserve, 40 of it in the keg and ready to serve and the other 30 are still in the fermenter.


Since I switched over to all grain brewing (I'll 'splain later), I haven't had to purchase any commercial swill. I have been self sufficient and then some for a year and a half now. Because I buy and brew in bulk, I can produce the equivalent of a case of beer for a little more than three dollars. I was paying $10 a 12 pack for Sierra Nevada PA or Harpoon IPA. Let me figure this out. Five cases a week @$3.20 = $16 or Five cases a week @ $20 = $100. Oh, I forgot to mention, the beer is better than any thing I can buy. No, really... I'm not blowing smoke up my own ass, It's really good, really, I'm not making this up. I made my share of crappy beer before I started making the beer I make now, and that beer is ...Sofa King Awesome!

I changed my profile. I'm really sorry.

Anyone have a clue? Anyone? Why is Hollywood doing so badly? Take a wild guess! The brain trust out there in LA LA land is stumped at why the box office is going down the tubes. Your comments / wild ass guesses are welcome.

Ok, trust me on this, I know how to make the perfect burger. It is, by far, my favorite food and I've been making and eating this oh so perfect meal since before you were born, probably.

There are four strict steps to follow to burger nirvana. These are steps in the preparation of the burger. Suggestions for seasoning the meat are offered at the end.


1) Shape and size. They should be between one fourth and one half a pound in size. The ideal size being around one third of a pound. Roll it into a ball but don't compress it or play with it too much. Next, flatten it into a patty and make a large dimple in the center. Build up the outer edges to form a rim thusly,

When the burger cooks, it will shrink and the dimple will expand and the entire burger will be the same thickness, and thus, cooked consistently throughout.

2) Temperature: Hot! Preheat the grill on high for five minutes. If you use charcoal give it a half an hour or so. Coat the grill with oil or cooking spray to prevent sticking or you can move it a bit with the spatula after 30 seconds or so.

3) Handling: Flip once and only once after five minutes and never ever press on it with the spatula. Give it three of four minutes after flipping. It will be medium rare to medium. If you like it well done then forget it. Stop eating meat. Become a vegan. Stop wasting good cuts of meat. You might as well have sex with it for chrissake. You disgust me!

4) Resting: This is important. Let it rest on a plate, covered for 5 minutes. If you must put it on a bun right away, coat the bun with a thin layer of mayo. This will prevent the grease from soaking into it.

Seasoning the meat before you cook it?
That's up to you. Some of my favorites to mix in besides salt and pepper are,
Minced onion / garlic
Worcestershire sauce
Tabasco/hot sauce
Chunks of bleu cheese / feta.
Seasoned bread crumbs

How you serve it is entirely up to you. If you use mustard or ketchup, please don't tell me.

Those that understand binary and those that don't.

I guess I should get my views on the big three out in the open and start the debate.
Sex? I think it's a good thing and should be done whenever possible, unless it's with children or with good cuts of meat. I don't have a problem with gay unions, I don't even care if you want to call them marriages. I don't think it threatens "family values". I do believe however, no matter how well accepted gays become, you will still get the shit beaten out of you when some dickhead sees you walking down the street hand in hand. Sorry, there will always be dickheads.
Religion? Most are OK I guess, with the exception of Scientology. You have to be a flaming moonbat to adhere to that crap. I don't want to go into detail now, check out this link and tell me it's not a huge load. http://www.xenu.net/
Myself, I am an atheist. I tried for a while to believe in stuff but there is too much inconsistency with organized religion. I'm pretty sure if God is the CEO of the universe, and what with Him being perfect and all, it would not be so fucked up. Here are two quotes from characters in novels by Robert Heinlein. They pretty much express how I feel. If you don't know who Robert Heinlein is, please Google him soon and by all means, read some of his works.

"I've never understood how God could expect His creatures to pick the one true religion by faith, it strikes me as a sloppy way to run a universe."

and this one especially,

"The most preposterous notion that H. sapiens has ever dreamed up is that the Lord God of Creation, Shaper and Ruler of all the Universe, wants the saccharine adoration of His creatures, can be swayed by their prayers, and becomes petulant if He does not receive this flattery. Yet this absurd fantasy,without a shred of evidence to bolster it, pays all the expenses of the oldest, largest, and least productive industry in all history."

That pretty much sums up my feelings on religion.

Politics?
At this point in my life I tend to walk more on the conservative side of the street, although I do not follow any party line. I find myself becoming more and more conservative as I grow older.
In my defense, just let me state that I think President Bush is a friggin pinhead. I think the religious right has set medical science back ten years. I think if Michael Moore had the shit kicked out of him there would be nothing left but a baseball hat.
Yep, I'm conflicted alright.

Last year I traded an old Toshiba Satellite Pro laptop for an old Gravely tractor. It's not a riding tractor, it's a two wheel walk behind one. It came with a snowblower and mower attachments. Gravely's were manufactured for 50 years or so for commercial and agricultural use. They were made to last for years and they have. The one I have was made in 1970 and it works just as well as it did when it was new. The air filter, oil filter, starter and battery are off the shelf automotive parts still available today from any auto parts store. Here is a photo of mine.

The problem I am having with it now is, every time I run over a sledge hammer, it bends the mower blade shaft. This makes the mower deck shake like a terrier
killing a rat*. Sure, I could "be more careful" or "watch where I was going" but Dude, WTF? When did I become some kind of "being careful kind of guy"?
Anyway, my problem is, the yard is starting to look ragged. Oh it's still being mowed, the lovely Janis has the Sears lawn tractor she does her part with. She can do 90% of it in less than an hour. It's the other 10% that is suffering. We do have a weed eater but COME ON, that would take a frickin hour. I don't have time for that shit. I gotta get the Gravely fixed. I'll keep ya posted.

* colorful phrase stolen from random Google search.

Well as promised, we attended the local fireworks last night and I must say, they were better than ever. It was non stop for half an hour with no less than 2 shells in the air at any instant. There were 4 mini-finale's at the end of each musical piece and an enormous spectacular finale during the 1812 Overture. It left me with tears in my eyes.

As usual, we preceded the fireworks with a party at my friend Steve's and his neighbor Bill's. Lots of burgers, dogs and Bill had his new smoker going with a whole mess of ribs. Poor Steve is still recovering from a ten foot fall off the scaffolding around his barn. He fractured his leg reeeeel good and has to wear this awful looking contraption for another six weeks or so.

Poor bastard. I brought him a couple of cases of beer to help ease the pain.

If she gets stuck you can move her by clicking and dragging. http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/tetka.html

Know what? I know I suck at writing. Thanks for the feedback. Know what? You suck at living! Give it up already. If you need help let me know.

According to Frennzy I am.

Tomorrow my town does the 4th of July fireworks. I must say, they are truly world class. For a small town of 25,000 people we do an awesome job. People from all the surrounding towns come to our town to partake. The crowds are always in excess of 60,000. The reason they are so good is because we have a private committee that raises funds all year long to insure we get the best possible show outside of Boston or New York. They run for a half an hour but do not stop or slow down for a minute. I look forward to them all year. The wife and I make it a point to contribute $50 each year because to me, it's worth it. I love fireworks and our town never disappoints.
They hold them at a town park behind the middle school. They don't start till 9:00pm but I go there at noon to spread out a blanket on the third base line of the ball field directly under the display. My friend Steve lives 2 blocks away so we park at his house and drink beer from Six till eight thirty or so. The problem is, even if you piss before you go down to the park, after 20 minutes, you have to piss again. Of course, there is limited pissing there. The solution this year is to buy Depends and see if they can fit the bill. We have never used them before and of course will report back here as to their effectiveness. Wish me luck.

Here are a few things about myself and my blog.
First, the name. Sofa King Awesome is a play on words. So Fucking Awesome. Get it? I know, it's really clever. It's also what I label my homebrew beer as. More on this later.
Sly Dog? What kind of name is that? Well, it is supposed to be Sly_Dog but that was taken, can you believe it? Someone else stole my fricken name. I have been using Sly_Dog for over 10 years now. The origin of the name goes back to the early eighties when a guy I usta work with began saying "You sly dog you" to me. It really didn't make that much of an impression on me until one night back in 1991 I was creating a chat handle for myself on CompuServe. Everything I tried was taken so in exasperation I tried Sly_Dog. I have been using it on the net ever since.
Anything else? Um, I can't think of anything. Just a fair warning for you all. I can't spell for shit and there is no, wait, holy crap, there is a spell checker! Never mind.
How often will I post? Well, good question, I only post after consuming a few beers so it will be pretty much everyday as far as I can tell. The only problem is, I lead a very boring life and nothing much really happens. I guess I'll have to make shit up or I can just throw stupid links at you.
Oh wait, I have a pantload of photos I can share, many of them are not of my penis.
There, I hope I answered all of the questions I imagined you would ask. Please stop by every few hours every day and don't forget to to tell your friend if you have one.
Sly