Sofa King Awesome

Ok, trust me on this, I know how to make the perfect burger. It is, by far, my favorite food and I've been making and eating this oh so perfect meal since before you were born, probably.

There are four strict steps to follow to burger nirvana. These are steps in the preparation of the burger. Suggestions for seasoning the meat are offered at the end.


1) Shape and size. They should be between one fourth and one half a pound in size. The ideal size being around one third of a pound. Roll it into a ball but don't compress it or play with it too much. Next, flatten it into a patty and make a large dimple in the center. Build up the outer edges to form a rim thusly,

When the burger cooks, it will shrink and the dimple will expand and the entire burger will be the same thickness, and thus, cooked consistently throughout.

2) Temperature: Hot! Preheat the grill on high for five minutes. If you use charcoal give it a half an hour or so. Coat the grill with oil or cooking spray to prevent sticking or you can move it a bit with the spatula after 30 seconds or so.

3) Handling: Flip once and only once after five minutes and never ever press on it with the spatula. Give it three of four minutes after flipping. It will be medium rare to medium. If you like it well done then forget it. Stop eating meat. Become a vegan. Stop wasting good cuts of meat. You might as well have sex with it for chrissake. You disgust me!

4) Resting: This is important. Let it rest on a plate, covered for 5 minutes. If you must put it on a bun right away, coat the bun with a thin layer of mayo. This will prevent the grease from soaking into it.

Seasoning the meat before you cook it?
That's up to you. Some of my favorites to mix in besides salt and pepper are,
Minced onion / garlic
Worcestershire sauce
Tabasco/hot sauce
Chunks of bleu cheese / feta.
Seasoned bread crumbs

How you serve it is entirely up to you. If you use mustard or ketchup, please don't tell me.